


I'm Starting To Think We Mean Different People Here

by thebittermountain



Series: Endgame AU [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame was a Trashfire, F/F, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Natasha Romanov Lives, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), That Could Have Been Amazing, Tony Stark Lives, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 17:33:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19750486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebittermountain/pseuds/thebittermountain
Summary: Title from the Avengers: Endgame quote by Clint.What if Clint wasn't the one who lived? After all, he was the one whose life lost all meaning and went off the grid.





	1. Do Not Stand Here At My Grave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

_Barton Homestead, West Virginia, 2027_

Lila Barton sighted her shot, firmed her stance and grip, and pulled. As she let the string go, she focused on letting her anger follow the arrow that flew straight to hit the bullseye.

“Good job, Lilochka,” Lila turned slowly, dropping her bow down to her side. She pushed down the faint bubble of resentment. It wasn’t Aunt Nat’s fault that Dad sacrificed himself. Her smile at her Dad’s best friend was mostly sincere. She _had_ missed Aunt Nat since the last time she visited—and it had been a while. Aunt Nat ran the New Avengers, coordinating their efforts and ordering their missions. Even Uncle Nick, who was kind of an asshole, was impressed with her efforts.

Lila couldn’t help giggling as she took in Aunt Nat’s appearance. It wasn’t anywhere near as weird as her old SHIELD uniform had been, but it certainly wasn’t what she expected out of her Russian assassin aunt.

Natasha Romanoff, legally Natalya Rozanova, was wearing a rather bohemian shirt and skirt, both brightly colored. Her hair, back to its natural deep red-brown (she was no longer bleaching it for secrecy’s sake), and black combat boots, were the only parts of her appearance Lila expected. Aunt Nat raised a brow at her, but her mouth was twitching.

“Something funny, Lilochka?” Lila smiled, shaking her head before putting down her bow and running into Natalya’s open arms.

“Why are you here, Aunt Nat?” she asked, her voiced muffled in her aunt’s shoulder. “Not that I’m not happy to see you,” she added hastily. Natalya chuckled before pulling away to look Lila in the eyes.

“I heard a special someone’s birthday is in two days.” She hooked her arm into one of Lila’s as she gently began to pull her toward the house. “Since I won’t be able to make it to your actual birthday, I thought maybe you’d like to have a girl’s day out with your cousin and I.” Lila bounced on her feet, looking around.

“You brought Wanda? Where is she?” She could almost feel her aunt’s smile on her back. Just at that moment, the front door opened with a creak—they really needed to oil it, she reminded herself—and out stepped the object of their conversation.

“Right here, Leela,” she said, matching the wide grin Lila could feel stretching her face. The boys and Mom followed behind her, a happy, if slightly wistful smile on Mom’s face. Wanda made her way over to Lila and Aunt Nat, squeezing Lila’s shoulder and giving Aunt Nat a side-hug.

Lila noticed with some slightly panicked worry that Mom was getting teary. She could handle Mom being teary about Dad, or even Aunt Nat and the boys, but not her. She had a sinking feeling Mom was about to be teary about her. Much to her relief, Aunt Nat provided a distraction.

“Laura, are you sure you don’t want to come?” Mom shook her head. Lila frowned.

“Mom, really, you want to spend a whole day with them when I’m not there to break it up?” Her mother snorted as both Nate and Key protested her insinuations. Loudly.

“I think your brothers resemble that remark, Bug. But no, I’m not spending a whole day with them. Kiefer is going to watch Nate while I take a day off. I just thought you might want to spend some girl time without your mom over your shoulder.” Lila found herself blinking past suddenly stinging eyes. Though she’d swear otherwise later, she was crying as she squeezed her mother in a hug so tight Laura Barton was laughingly complaining, “I can’t breathe, honey!” She quickly let her go, ignoring Mom’s warnings to Aunt Nat and Wanda about keeping her safe while she gathered up her bow and her bag. Thankfully, her aunt and cousin were already in the car they’d come in when she was done. Mom gave her a fisheye at the weapon but didn’t say anything.

* * *

_New Avengers Headquarters, Maryland, 2030_

“Please, Aunt Nat?” Natalya Rozanova pinched the bridge of her nose, ignoring the snickering her daughter Wanda was trying to repress as she looked at her niece. Clint’s only daughter, who had just turned eighteen. Lila was just as stubborn as her late father—oh, who was she fooling? Laura was just as stubborn; that was probably why she and Clint fell in love.

Lila’s expression was set: no tears, not even a grimace, but her brown eyes had the look of granite. Natalya sighed, shooting a glance at Wanda, who sobered, and put on a reproving expression.

“Leela. Being an Avenger isn’t _fun_. It’s hard work. It’s often thankless, and people _die_.” Wanda’s voice broke slightly on the last word, and Natalya squeezed her shoulder wordlessly. The pain of losing family never went away, even if it dulled from distance over time. Both she and her daughter had lost their brothers. Pietro Maximoff and Clint Barton had left holes behind that could never be filled.

Lila cleared her throat, rousing Natalya from her gloomy thoughts.

“I know. That’s why I want to be one. I want to honor their memories. I want to make a difference.” Natalya wasn’t crying. There was dust in her eyes. Beside her, Wanda engaged in no such white lies, running to hug her cousin before breaking down in sobs as Lila patted the taller woman awkwardly on the back, eyes now wide in surprise.

“Lilochka, what did your mother say?” Natalya finally managed to ask in a hoarse voice. Lila bit her lip as Wanda straightened, her eyes red, but didn’t look away.

“She said…she said that she wished I wouldn’t, but she understood.” She fiddled with her new hearing aids before taking them out with a huff. “Mom said the decision was up to you, Aunt Nat. And I still have to go to college.” Her face twisted in a familiar disgusted grimace at that, and Natalya couldn’t help laughing. Her laughter only got louder when Lila stuck out her tongue. When she was wiping amused tears from her eyes, Natalya said,

“ _Moya yastrebek_ , you know why your mother wants you to go to college, and to be frank, I agree with her.” Lila sighed, but her eyes were bright as she asked,

“Does that mean you’re saying yes, Aunt Nat?”

“Da, Lilochka. Against my better judgement.”

* * *

_Amherst College, Massachusetts, Fall 2030_

Ilona Nagy did not know what to make of her roommate. Lela Hawke was…odd. Not that Ilona herself was particularly normal, with immigrant parents who had defected from the USSR in its waning days because they were political dissidents and were at least ten years older than most parents of her generation. Not to mention, both her parents were powered individuals who refused to reveal it to anyone, especially after the HYDRA reveal in 2013. But that was irrelevant.

Lela was definitely not powered, but she still wasn’t your average 18 or 19-year-old college student. She was a first generation college student, and frequently complained about her attendance being a requirement by her family before she engaged in her chosen career. She wouldn’t elaborate on what that career was, only saying that it was dangerous. Ilona was guessing military or international NGO work. She also had a serious Appalachian accent, but spoke Russian like a native.

Ilona only knew this because she’d overheard phone-calls and would periodically walk into their shared room to find Lela speaking to a slightly older woman on video-call in said language.

Her roommate also kept disappearing at odd times, and not for dates. To be honest, Ilona had thought so at first, but not after she kept coming back with bruises and dirty clothes. Especially since she knew Lela was part of the Muay Thai club.

Still, despite her many, many questions, Ilona decided to let her curiosity about her roommate go unanswered.

_Amherst College, Massachusetts, May 2032_

At least, she intended to do so. Everything kind of imploded at the end of sophomore year. They had somehow managed to be roommates again. Not that Ilona minded. Despite her mystery, Lela was a good roommate, and a decent, if secretive, friend.

Exams were in full swing, and Ilona was escaping from the practically tangible atmosphere of anxiety currently permeating the campus by holing up in their room. She had a lull between exams, and her brain felt like mush anyways, so she decided to practice with her powers. She was holding their secret cat, Solnyshko up in the air, much to his irritation, while she hovered across from him when Lela burst into the room.

“Ilona! I have the best news! I need to ask you—What the hell?” Ilona squeaked and grabbed Solnyshko before falling back on her bed with a muted thud. Lela stared at her with wide eyes for several long minutes before grinning widely, much to Ilona’s shock. She plopped down on the narrow bed, wrapping an arm around Ilona.

“This is excellent! Tony and Aunt Pepper will love you even more now!” Ilona stared at her.

“Huh?” she managed intelligently. Lela lost her smile briefly, grimacing and blushing under her perpetual tan.

“So…I have something I need to tell you. My name isn’t actually Lela Hawke.”

* * *

_New Avengers Headquarters, Maryland, 2036_

Maria Hill elbowed the woman beside her as they watched the inseparable pair of Ilona Nagy and Lila Barton—otherwise known as BioWitch and Hawkeye—head past them on their way to work out.

“Remind you of anyone, Nat?” The other woman smiled, the action painful to look at.

“He’d be so proud.” Maria snorted, but her eyes were warm.

“He’d be running around in a combination of terror, excitement, and mock-shame that his daughter is the one who acts like you, you mean.” Nat’s smile grew more sincere.

“I don’t know. She has a good chunk of his humor. She just has Laura’s good sense.” Maria crossed her arms, still smiling.

“You two had the same sense of humor, Nat. Lila’s just bringing out Ilona’s recklessness.” She didn’t miss how her colleague and friend’s expression darkens again. Maria didn’t wait for Nat to say anything, instead dragging her over into the private lounge for the senior avengers. She locked the door and pushed Nat into one of the many couches. Her friend slumped over miserably onto its arm. Maria sighed quietly and busied herself with making Russian-style tea (complete with a samovar), apple pastila, and sochnik. She knew it wouldn’t be quite as good as Nat’s, but she had been doing this for years, whenever the other woman was upset, and Nat had never complained.

Nat perked up slightly—she was sitting up straight—when Maria brought the tea over, even managing a weak grin with reddened eyes as she saw the jam on the tray. But she stayed silent until the sochnik were demolished, and the pastila block had been sliced halfway there.

“It’s been thirteen years. Why does it still hurt so much?” Maria knew the question was rhetorical, but she responded anyways, hoping this time Nat would be willing to let everything out.

“Nat, have you ever really let yourself grieve for him?” The other woman opened her mouth, but Maria held a quelling finger up. “I don’t mean his funeral. Hell, I don’t even mean delivering the eulogy. I know you’ve been Laura’s rock. Lila’s too. And I admire that. I do.”

She sighed, and drank a long sip of cooling tea, ignoring the seeds getting trapped in her teeth.

“But Natalya, no one would fault you for grieving your family, your brother.” The other woman shuddered in a full-body motion, before dropping her face into her hands, the deep auburn waves covering her in a short veil. Maria waited patiently in silence for Nat to speak, her heart aching in sympathy as her best friend let down her walls to reveal her misery.

“It should have been me,” Nat muttered finally.

Maria’s breath hitched, and she almost dropped her cup. She placed it on the coffee table with a shaky hand before dropping down next to her, and pulling Nat into her arms, folding Nat’s face against her shoulder as the smaller woman shook and cried.

“No, no, no,” Maria whispered into Nat’s hair. “There is no _should_ about it, Natalya. Neither of you _should_ have to have been in that position.” Nat shuddered heavily again, lifting her head slightly. But not looking at Maria. No, she was looking at the past, from her unfocused eyes, and her next words only proved it.

“It broke him, Marishka. My brother wasn’t there anymore. He couldn’t cope without them. He started turning into me.” Maria stroked Nat’s hair, her throat tight.

“It wasn’t your fault, I promise,” she managed finally. But Nat only shook her head, denying her words.

“How could it not be my fault? I let him do what he did. I didn’t even pretend an attempt to stop him.” Maria could _feel_ the guilt in her voice, it was so heavy.

“Clint made his choices, Natalya. He was an adult.” She hesitated, lifting her hand briefly from Nat’s hair. “You are not to blame that you could cope, that you found a way to deal, and he broke. And you are _definitely_ not to blame for what he did.” She wasn’t sure if Nat believed her, but her friend didn’t explode, instead tucking her face into the crook of Maria’s neck, and saying something in Russian that was too muffled to make out.

Maria sighed, wrapping her arms more tightly around Nat, and looked out into the courtyard. She sat on that leather-finished couch for hours, her best friend curled into a ball on her lap, watching birds alight, look for food, then flutter off, watching the sun make its journey across the sky, watching the wind rustling the plants, and thinking about the man who had been her best friend’s brother.

She was fairly certain Nat had fallen asleep at some point, which surprised her, but perhaps it wasn’t really that shocking after all. Crying was exhausting, as could be emotions. As Nat shifted slightly, and mumbled something unintelligible, her hands opening and closing as if expecting a weapon, Maria wondered if there really was an afterlife.

She considered herself a very lapsed Jew, but even her grandmother Esther’s rabbi had said that there were no real answers in that direction. That it was a discussion or question between them and G-d. Still, as she watched the sun set, Maria had to wonder. She had heard the stories about Thor’s sister and her undead army. And it should have been impossible to bring everyone back if they had truly been dead. Not to mention that Thanos had apparently been courting Death, as if an aspect of life was a living entity.

Maria found herself supremely uncomfortable with the certainty all of that implied. But she was too tired, and too worried, to pick apart that conclusion right now.

Eventually, as darkness fell, Maria succumbed to sleep as well, still wrapped comfortingly around Nat.

* * *

_The Stark Cabin, Georgia, October 25, 2040_

Lila froze as she spotted her aunt, who had up and disappeared from her own last-minute wedding preparations. She hushed the kids, who had all followed her and Ilona on the search. She shared an uncertain look with Ilona. Should they go back to the house, and pretend they hadn’t seen anything, or should they just stay where they were?

She had absolutely no clue and stayed frozen out of sheer indecision.

Aunt Nat was standing way out on the end of the pier, seemingly talking to no one. But Lila had seen the old bow in her hands, and she knew who her aunt was speaking with.

She considered taking everyone inside as Aunt Nat unstrung the bow and dropped it to one hand, but she wanted to make sure everything was alright, and she had the feeling Aunt Nat knew they were there anyways. She was proved right when the older woman showed no sign of surprise as she strode toward them.

Her aunt didn’t look teary or upset, but that didn’t mean anything. Aunt Nat rarely cried around anyone except Aunt Maria, and sometimes Mom or Dr. Sarah. She smiled as she got closer, but Lila still had to ask:

“Aunt Nat, is everything alright?” Her aunt blinked, and pulled her into a hug before pushing her back to say,

“It will all be just fine, Lilochka. Once you get your bouquet, that is.” Lila snorted, a little less worried, and obeyed the implied order.

She stared at the Cooper’s Hawk that had alighted on the empty wooden folding chair in the front row as the officiator had pronounced t “you may kiss”, barely hearing Aunt Maria’s gasp or Aunt Nat’s choked sob, or anyone else’s reaction. Aunt Nat was wrong, Lila thought, as the hawk mantled its—his—wings and more or less nodded.

Everything wasn’t just fine or alright.

It was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this universe, I de-aged the Maximoff twins; in Age of Ultron, Pietro and Wanda were only fourteen; a year younger than Lila is now at almost fifteen. Natasha/Natalya adopted Wanda after Civil War in order to prevent her being charged as an adult, considering she was only barely sixteen. There was NO Wanda/Vision. Also, I just kind of screwed with the years in this, because the official timeline is ridiculous. 
> 
> Nate; short for Natale. Nathaniel is NOT the masculine version of Natasha. Natasha is a nickname for Natalya, and the masculine version is Natale. Key; short for Kiefer. Kiefer can mean the same thing as Cooper, I just didn’t think Cooper fit aesthetically with Lila and Natale. 
> 
> Feel free to correct my Russian.


	2. Chapter 2

_There Was A Boy_

There was a boy

Who went from circus shows to secret missions

There was an agent

Who brought a spider in from the cold

There was a minion

Who fought against control

There was a man

Who knew all he could do was fight

There was a man

Who tried to do what he thought was right

There was a husband

Who loved his wife

There was a father

Who reached out a hand to frightened children

Even when they threatened his life

There was a brother

Who knew the covenant was as strong as the womb

There was a man

Who didn’t trust control

There was a drawn arrow

Who needed all of his family to survive

There was a brother

Who needed his sister alive

There was a man

That no longer had his drive

There was an archer

There he lies.


End file.
